then this morning i woke up with a huge round roiling thing on my chest
what the hell is this, this is another one of those weird feelings i only get in dreams
it's so particular.. it's.. it's
it's envy. oh wow it's envy
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so i did the same with envy
full body emotion again, very prickly all up my right side. i let myself be fully envious of everyone i could think of who'd ever go something i didn't
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friends, colleagues, family members, old classmates, old flames' old boyfriends
with both anger and envy, there were moments where they started really ramping up and i had to decide, do i let this keep going? what if it doesn't stop
i let them both keep going
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they do stop. or like, they settle? they sort of piti-tingle into me and as they do i start to reflect on what they're there for
anger is there to make sure i don't let myself get short-changed
envy is there to make sure i never miss an opportunity to get what i want
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thinking about envy i started realizing that under *that* there were greed and lust
fuck it, we're doing as many deadly sins in one go as we can find within us, let's do this
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i started letting myself feel all the things and people i'd ever wanted
i got horny for like 8 different people scattered throughout my life
noticed a lot of my horniness was coming out in a much dominating way that i usually identify with
yeah boys we're doing lust for power
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suddenly in my mind i was killing men with a sword and enslaving their women, letting myself feel what that was like
intense buzzing through abdomen and pelvis
god damn, this shadow shit is real and weird
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with every new taboo emotion my stomach relaxed a little more. by the end there was just one spot of tightness left, under the right ribcage
i can't find any emotion it corresponds to
maybe it's legitimately just muscle tension or maybe i'll figure it out later
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anyways i feel great
after my trip i was reflecting on how unfeeling i've been. all emotions except threat-dread stop at the neck. i don't orient *toward* anything, it's more like i minmax away from threats to cached good outcomes i've forgotten how to feel
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i'm hoping that after the taboo emotions return to my body, there will come others. maybe sadness. maybe joy. maybe love. that would be nice. /
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