covid overwhelmingly felt to me like the universe was giving me a really hard test and i was mostly failing it. this kind of schoolbrain nonsense apparently just runs really deep in my psyche and i have not been able to budge it hardly at all really
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i have habits of thought here that go at least as far back as thinking about AI risk among the rationalists starting in 2013. i don't talk about this much but my AI timelines have been pretty short since alphago in 2016 and it actually has affected my life planning
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the pernicious influence of "intelligence" on all of this stuff is something i have tweeted about previously, this whole hierarchy of who is seen as having actual knowledge about the technical details of AI risk that other people can only defer to
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that's a bit of a digression from my main point but it ties into this broader issue in rationalist epistemics around who is considered "smart" enough that you have to defer to their opinions, and the extent to which "intelligence" is framed as gating access to important truths
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in order to buy the whole rationalist / AI risk pitch you have to buy that 1) the end of the world is coming 2) for complicated reasons, which you need to be Smart and Rational and Good At Math / CS to understand
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if you seriously buy the AI safety pitch *and* you feel insecure about your intelligence / your ability to do math you're in an uncomfortable position. the entire shape of your future is being dictated by forces you don't feel capable of understanding. wat do?
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regardless of how true this is the way this background assumption about the state of things gets constantly reinforced ends up putting a lot of pressure on intelligence. would you be surprised to hear that lots of rationalists have weird feelings about their intelligence (it me)
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ironically of course the way in which i get tangled up worrying about my own intelligence is sort of self-refuting. when i actually look at the pattern the limiting factor in my being able to think about world stuff isn't intelligence, it's emotional resilience + flexibility
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with "flexibility" here i also have in mind things like being able to skillfully reframe. like currently the way i'm set up is that every crisis is an opportunity to fail and find out what an idiot i am. i am dimly aware it doesn't have to be like that but it's *real* sticky
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working through all this stuff is as usual compounded in difficulty by intelligence being a rude topic to talk about. so it goes. wouldn't be the first time i've had to deconstruct part of the culture war just to figure out what is going on in my own head
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wow i wandered through a bunch of topics there sorry apparently i had a lot to get off my chest. the difficulty of dealing with these dynamics is compounded by the fact that you're not allowed to talk about intelligence anymore. extremely annoying meta-dynamics tbh
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I've had severe mental blocks on sharing both where I feel weak and where I feel strong
Both feel so dangerous
I've made great progress in sharing where I feel weak
I feel like I've made no progress on sharing where I feel strong
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It's so ironic how weak I feel in the act of claiming my strengths
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i imagine there will be a lot of different blocks here but for me sharing my strengths feels like making promises i'm not sure i can keep? i am really really afraid of disappointing people i guess :/
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Oof feel that
The main one for me is anti-ego conditioning
Humbleness as a virtue (but in practice the most social adept humblebrag & virtue signal) When say something directly positive about yourself, get passive aggressive "ooh la de das" at best, full social rejection at worst
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We mock Americans for the stereotypical full on positivity "you go girl" etc
But mostly cause everyone assumes it is *always* fake
We favour type II errors, & stereotypically Americans favour type I errors
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Do you only have this with positive things about yourself?
I find I have this issue with any & all statements
Any opinion at all, being held to it & shamed for it if it is wrong
That perfectionistic drive to be perfect
& especially to avoid any form of hypocrisy
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i kinda like admitting my weaknesses, it’s embarrassing but also feels relieving because then people… don’t expect as much from me?