once upon a time i knew this woman we’ll call S. S was a fairly butch woman, short hair, stocky, deep-ish voice, generally looked like she wanted to kick someone’s ass. this is the story of the one time i saw her drop her defenses
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S and i were circling, the most unstructured and most unsafe style where people just go nuts, in a group of maybe 15ish friends. S and a guy in the circle were literally physically fighting. like grappling. it happened spontaneously
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when S and the guy she was fighting broke contact they were both sweaty and panting, and i looked at S’s face and she looked *completely different*. somehow her face had become outrageously feminine, where it was normally masculine. soft, open, vulnerable
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it felt like the rest of the time she was constantly on guard, constantly actively producing a kind of masculine “don’t fuck with me” vibe, and that only became clear because of how strong the contrast was. she wasn’t doing that anymore and she looked… prettier?
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this is one of several experiences that convinced me people broadcast way more of themselves out their face than they think. keith johnstone describes this briefly in the masks chapter of impro, he talks about people walking around wearing masks of agony, sadness, etc.
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also one of several experienced that convinced me attractiveness is much more about feeling relaxed and confident and open than most people think. arguably most of the time S was actively trying to prevent people from being attracted to her
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people really can just generate reality distortion fields of various kinds that try to sway the people around them one way or another. “i am smart” “i am good” but also “i am unattractive” “i am not worth bothering” etc etc
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the fact that her defenses made her look more masculine and dropping them made her look more feminine is a starting point for a whole long rant about gender i’m slowly working up the courage to start writing
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