1/ When I was ~14, I made a shift from "loser" to "acceptable" by middle school standards.
I did it by unknowingly making smth like a charisma-chatbot to do my talking for me
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2/ It happened quickly, as if I'd been absorbing the social scripts of cool ppl in movies and irl for years
Suddenly I was, like, wildly socially fluent. The timing of my jokes worked. Ppl included me in groups. Girls started to be into me 😅
It felt like a drug to use it
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3/ My chatbot has become more organic over time. It's typically pretty authentic in what it says
But I still have the constant experience of wrongness while I talk. The wrongness is smth like "I can't put my *heart* in my words"
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4/ Making an attempt to put my heart in my words feels crazy scary
1st: because the chatbot was put there to patch a vulnerability
2nd: bc I now rely on my social fluency. When I turn off the chatbot, I get *really* awkward (no eye contact, inaudible, etc)
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5/ I've met many other former "losers" and introverts who seem to have smth similar going on. There's this eerie feeling that you can't quite get to intimacy with them through words/conversation
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6/ I'd be curious to hear: what practices that might help w this?
Circling is 👍 but too rule-following
Freestyle rap helps, but doubt it translates to normal convos
Many pastors seem to speak from the heart (even when not preaching)...but I doubt they'd mentor a nonbeliever?
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ideally i think try to find a conversational context in which it feels safe to regress to 13 years old, before the chatbot was installed, then talk from that place. what kind of stuff were you into at that age? video games? other hobbies ?
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lol yeah, when I geek out the chatbot takes a break. Maybe I can convince to give me hugs when I unresponsively geek out at her
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sounds nice 🥲
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My mind is blowing with the consequences of this idea. We're all hardened trees with soft roots, waiting to be grown out of if necessary.
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– and able.
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