How much success can I even deal with at this point? No, how much *exactly*? How much happiness, freedom, resources, love, attention, confidence, progress, results can I handle?
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it's not even that I'm unlucky with stuff that I got so unhappy, it's that I'm unlucky in a way that made me *lose sight of happiness as a concept*. i am so entirely not focused on my happiness, I am focused on other things optimizing for which isn't making me happier
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it's like "MY MOM DOESN'T LIKE THIS SHOE SHE THINKS I'LL FUCK IT UP AND MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT MAYBE I'M NOT CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF A WHITE SHOE AND I'M JUST WASTING MONEY (((i dreamed of shoe like this for years))) I'M NOT FEELING GOOD TODAY IS THIS GOOD FOR MY HEALING JOURNEY"
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blegh it is so much work to go against the inertia to set my mind into the other direction, but once it goes it will just go there on its own, happiness minimizer turns into happiness maximizer
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be brave it will be worth it be brave it will be worth it be brave it will be worth it
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