the fucked up thing is that i can never stop spending time. there are no free actions. thinking about what to do is itself an action that consumes time. i need a pause button for reality so bad and i genuinely hate that i don’t have one
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being outside more has forced me to understand exactly how many daylight hours there are and it sucks
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night hours used to feel free and now i just feel like anything i do at night that isn’t prepping for sleep or sleep is cutting into sleep which either makes my next day worse or cuts into the next day’s daylight hours. inescapable
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paradoxically one of the most reassuring things about wasting enormous amounts of time doomscrolling or w/e is while i’m in that dissociated state my awareness of the passage of time is suspended. not doing that means being excruciatingly aware of time instead and i hate it
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Yep. I relate a lot. For me it shows up as "No matter where you go, there you are." But some activities let me forget that instead of integrating it.
It's like, fully incarnating within time means facing death intimately. #1 wish of the dying: to NOT BE THERE when it happens.
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"fully incarnating within time means facing death intimately" oof yeah :/