the fucked up thing is that i can never stop spending time. there are no free actions. thinking about what to do is itself an action that consumes time. i need a pause button for reality so bad and i genuinely hate that i don’t have one
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being outside more has forced me to understand exactly how many daylight hours there are and it sucks
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night hours used to feel free and now i just feel like anything i do at night that isn’t prepping for sleep or sleep is cutting into sleep which either makes my next day worse or cuts into the next day’s daylight hours. inescapable
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paradoxically one of the most reassuring things about wasting enormous amounts of time doomscrolling or w/e is while i’m in that dissociated state my awareness of the passage of time is suspended. not doing that means being excruciatingly aware of time instead and i hate it
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god people’s responses to this thread are really pissing me off which i assume means there’s a thing here and it probably isn’t about time exactly
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like… have any of you ever talked to 40-year-old unmarried women who want children and don’t have them? it’s fucking brutal. don’t tell them there’s no such fucking thing as wasting time
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"What lies ahead is the un-settling, the inverse of the question of when you feel old enough to have a baby: When will your children be old enough to have dying parents?"
hmmdaily.com/2018/10/18/you
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One of my wishes is to somehow develop a sharpness of feeling of time going by. As it is it seems it doesn't hurt enough to waste time, and so I do it too much.
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The answer to that is more adventures.
A weekend adventure can feel like it lasted the same amount of time as months of routine.
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feels like one of those loops where if you're feeling bad about it it feels very true that you're wasting time which makes you feel worse and if you're feeling good it feels very true that you arent/cant waste time so you keep feeling good
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the only way out of those loops i know is to do what feels like lying to yourself when you're feeling bad, or to convince yourself you dont care--but i suspect there's some other thing that makes this possible
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Does any of this shift with how you feel about stretches of time in the past? I’m thinking of the idea that we perceive a period of time as having been longer the more milestone-type memories we made during that time, and so doing activities that support more memory formation…
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… actually lengthen the perceived experience of life.
Things like being online, looking at screens, no physical/contextual changes occur, and that limits what our body/mind can hook memory onto, so not only does time pass, but it doesn’t form memory either.
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"...so Schopenhauer's analysis is fundamentally right: suffering, the transience of the present, the awareness of death, and the fact of death, all detract from the possibility of a meaningful life."
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there is no meaning to anything; all actions are merely devourers of your finite and quickly waning remaining time left, nothing matters, only cessation of being is certain
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