Conversation

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@maybegray
This contract results less in a relationship than an entanglement tho. In a relationship, two equal, whole people relate yo each other, they interact freely. Entangled people rely on parts of one another while suppressing other parts which creates imbalance & mutual restriction.
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@maybegray
I like the analogy to math the book makes - 1 x 1 = 1 - there’s a sense of wholeness which is preserved. 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4 - when we implicitly agree to limit each other to maintain our bonds we create even more restriction than we struggle with on our own
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@maybegray
We make this trade off innocently tho, we come by our habit of seeking approval/avoiding disapproval (from ourselves & others) honestly & that requires limiting (ourselves & others), it requires both controlling behaviour, it requires manipulation. We’re lil accidental tyrants 🤷
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@maybegray
Just like giving up an addiction, breaking this habit at first means facing up to all the feelings the habit has been helping you cope with. You have to sit in the ache of desire and shame without letting yourself reach out to your usual crutches.
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@maybegray
It’s brutal to endure that “I don’t want to experience what I’m experiencing” feeling. It’s brutal to lash out in that “I don’t want you to experience what you’re experiencing” feeling. It’s brutal to suppress anger & endure criticism & hide & never get a break to just RELAX.
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@maybegray
There are ways in which I see that my fiancé and I have been trapped in this sort of dynamic but ways in which I can see our relationship is already more co-committed and co-creative than the codependent relationships I grew up around.
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@maybegray
Our vision for our future together isn’t rigid - we are open to a small family or a big family, we are open to different ways to educate our children, we are open to a monogamous marriage or a poly one, we are open to each other shifting careers, we see a lot of room for choice
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@maybegray
& we have held a strong frame around the difficulties in our relationship. we don’t feel like victims of the worst sides of one another - our understanding of ourselves & each other runs deep enough that we are quick to come back to compassion when conflicts do come up between us
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@maybegray
A big part of why we have been able to grow together as much as we have is because we don’t shy away from addressing childhood traumas, big and small. We can admit that our reactions come from patterns that are really old as much as anything coming up between us.
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@maybegray
I get the sense that ppl often cringe at the trauma framing & particularly bristle at the idea that they are particularly defined by their childhoods & I can relate to the discomfort but at the same time I haven’t personally seen how to improve my capacity for intimacy without it
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