shit have i been keeping my eyes wide open to look less asian for 25 years
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i've had this frustration with fitting my experiences into american racial discourse that i wasn't able to articulate until yesterday, which is that american racial discourse is so focused on skin color when for me at least it's been all about my eyes. no one cares about my skin
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this is an extremely vague memory so idk how much to trust it but i think there were times early on in school when teachers would ask me if i was awake or something b/c my eyes looked closed? 😩
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there's a whole thing going on with my eyes, long story, but basically they're frequently tired and have trouble focusing, and the easiest way for me to help them focus is to close them and then slowly reopen them until they're kinda half-open
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there's a comfortable resting position they can take that is *not* the way i usually try to hold my eyes, it looks more closed, i can see fine but i... look more tired and more chinese 😅
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ironically, of course, the position in which i look more tired is the position in which i can actually rest my eye muscles, and the position where i am simultaneously pretending to be awake and white is the tiring one
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