so eventually I quit. finally, a break in that incoming fire. it was much needed!
sometimes people give me credit for making some "brave" decision to pursue something I might enjoy more. that's one way of looking at things, and I don't want to take that away from myself
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but also, if any of y'all had any clue what it was like to be me in those days... you'd know that things had just gotten to a psychological breaking point. I just needed a freakin' break
luckily, by that point I had saved up enough to lie low and recover for a bit
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so I've been out of work for a little over a year now. working through the psychological shit heap, little by little. there's a story I tell myself that I'm trying to write, that there's something there that speaks to me, that I want trust the process and see where that might go
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that's been a mixed bag. there've been stretches of writing success (I can be proud of that, I am allowed to say that). but then... weeks I just don't, where I'm not writing at all
the psychological stuff follows you. wherever you go, there you are
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so when I get stuck, I start wondering again...
tech wasn't so bad, was it? maybe things were simpler then. I really have worked through some of the psychological stuff, I think it'd be, even if not easy, easIER second time around. good money, stable, a story to tell
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I've at times told myself this story that I don't enjoy coding. but is it even obvious that I enjoy writing more? it's not like I'm writing joyfully, shit-eating grin, day after day. psychological blocks left and right
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if I look honestly, there's nothing inherently wrong with coding! just a lot of Asian parent BS such that I've become aversive to anything remotely technical. the Asian kid who was forced to do math came to hate math, tell me something new
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(in that frame, might as well psychologically unblock myself on a career path that actually makes some fucking sense...)
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I'm aware that some former co-workers follow this account and/or my writing, which has been some blocker to more honestly sharing. but fuck it, this is me, this was my experience. hey guys 👋🏼, I hope y'all are doing ok!!
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and I've totally just gone off here. I think that's about what I have to say for now. no conclusions, just things to sit with
no need on my end for any immediate decisions, thankfully. I'm just happy and relieved to start reflecting a bit more openly in this part of my life 🙏🏼
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