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· Feb 8

there's this technique called "image streaming" where you basically practice letting your mind generate images and then describing them out loud; i did it once and found it very helpful and also very intense winwenger.com/imstream.htm

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he told me he used imaginal practice with clients to help them figure out their personal aesthetic so they can dress the way they want i immediately got a flash of an image of an outfit, which was basically the trenchcoat look from the matrix

then as we continued to talk about the matrix and gundams and other shit we thought was really cool when we were 10 i was pondering why it felt embarrassing to admit that there appeared to be a perhaps-10-year-old part of me that wanted to dress this way

in response a *very* specific memory arose i haven't thought about in 10 years, maybe 20 when i was ~8, i wanted to dress up as a gundam for halloween. i tried making the costume out of cardboard by myself. it looked very bad; i didn't really try to paint it or anything

i looked at a photo of it and felt deeply embarrassed and from that moment on i never seriously tried to do a halloween costume or any other costume again

looking back on it now i'm sad that no one in my life could help me make the costume good. i didn't have parents or older siblings who understood what i was trying to do enough to help and encourage me to do it well

this was a therapeutic experience! recalling this memory in this convo instantly recontextualized years' worth of experiences cringing slightly at the arrival of halloween or even shopping for regular clothes, and meanwhile being weirdly fascinated by pictures of cosplayers

all of this happened in the space of maybe 10 minutes this is the kind of thing i mean when i say public twitter has nowhere near enough bandwidth for the amount of conversation that should be happening

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