i have a lot of resistance to metta / loving-kindness practices, or any kind of deliberate cultivation of positive emotion, and i think a lot of it has to do with feeling like as a kid i was constantly pressured into pretending i was happier and more satisfied than i was
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Same, I was just writing this paragraph like 20 minutes ago
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right. not that i don't believe in heart opening in some sense, but ime the way my heart opens is after i fully acknowledge everything i'm feeling no matter how dark, not by like... trying to pry it open?
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hey, trying to 'understand' some 'qualia'
do you find that, after the initial 'oh, love is nice', it 'bubbles up' the 'dark' bits?
curious if that's consistent at all in others
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i worked with the notion that to 'love' intrinsically involves the 'dark' bits, because it is the selfless application of..the..self...to 'bringing goodness', all parts of the 'self', even the ones we wish wouldn't
but idk if i peed in my own pool there
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idk i just get angry π
i'm very sensitive to anything that smells like coercion, including and especially self-coercion