i have a lot of resistance to metta / loving-kindness practices, or any kind of deliberate cultivation of positive emotion, and i think a lot of it has to do with feeling like as a kid i was constantly pressured into pretending i was happier and more satisfied than i was
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One thing I’ve noticed is that whatever coping mechanism I was forced to do has a ton of resentment around it, but when I let myself run very hard away from it til I find the limits of its extreme opposite, I’m better able to come back and find the healthy form of both.
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The healthy forms always have this flavor of really peaceful agency. Not shoved or yanked into or stuck swirling in the positive or negative space, but actively choosing when and how to step in and to step out.
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