i have a lot of resistance to metta / loving-kindness practices, or any kind of deliberate cultivation of positive emotion, and i think a lot of it has to do with feeling like as a kid i was constantly pressured into pretending i was happier and more satisfied than i was
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i feel that. come to think about it, as a child *at school* i was pressured into being happier than i was but at home it was the opposite — being happy and satisfied and calm and well, anywhere near equanimous was seen as a sign of being lazy ingrate selfish and got me punished.
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fucking sucked. i know why they did it -- they were operating under highly pessimistic assumptions about the world downstream of their experience with academia / immigration samsara but holy fuck there are motivational strategies other than the one they tried to instill in me!!
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