as i learn more about narcissistic parenting, i realize that my parents were definitely somewhere on that scale. —
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my mother was MUCH higher on it, just truly horrible at times, while my dad was actually quite decent and generous but usually went along with what she wanted at the end of the day, which left me feeling deeply let down, unseen and uncared for on so many occasions. —
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every compliment i got from them was about how "smart" i was and how i'd definitely become a doctor one day. every interest got me scolded unless it was related to academics or future med school. every emotional need was shut down, mocked, even punished with violent threats.—
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i learned quickly that they could not be relied on for emotional support of any kind. but my mother was determined to keep me sheltered & almost never let me visit friends, so i was frequently just in my room, with the computer my dad got me. i also felt afraid to share any of—
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what i felt with my friends at school, because "it'd be terrible for me to put my parents in a bad light".
so after school, summer vacation, etc was mostly spent in my room on pro-anorexia blogs figuring out how i can get skinny enough to deserve love. to deserve freedom. —
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it's taken a REALLY long time for me to fully remember just how bad it was growing up, and to see that the root of so many issues i struggled with was the utter worthlessness and neglect i felt being raised by them. because i'd spent years internalizing the way they treated me.—
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assuming it somehow had to be my fault, because my parents knew everything, right? they sure acted like it. so surely they "knew" that i couldn't be trusted with freedom and play and joy like the other kids.
ugh. it just makes me so sad and sick to my stomach to remember. —
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and how crazy-making it was to watch kids at school who were so much more rambunctious, wild, less well-behaved than me, be given so much freedom to be themselves and socialize with other kids, while quiet, "obedient" me was treated like such a burden for even wanting friends. —
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as i reach out for support and clarity around this, i see that there are quite a number of people who grew up with parents like mine or worse, especially those with african/asian/immigrant parents. it really helps to know there are others. this is still quite raw for me. 😔
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