it turns out telling people "you're doing that as a defense mechanism" is not the best way to get them to put down said defense mechanism... even if you're right😵💫
it turns out making confident declarations about anyone's state (regardless of how right you may be) almost always—
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just makes them upset. this can be really confusing especially when talking to people who claim to be "all about the truth", "totally real" or even "totally logical". they still get mad when you read them. unless of course you notice something that puts them in a "good" light.—
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in fact it seems that the only reliable way to get people to (maybe) look at their blind spots is to ask questions that lead them there in a way that doesn't feel threatening to them, without assuming anything at all without their permission (not always easy, and —
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for some people/issues it could seem close to impossible. but there are a lot of factors at play).
when it comes to sensitive topics, people prefer to be kindly led to their own conclusions, not told. —
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this is another thing that's been REALLY hard for me to learn having being brought up in a household where you ONLY got told stuff, usually in a really mean way, and you just had to listen regardless of how it sounded (or how wrong it actually was). —
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i'm realizing that years of that kind of family environment really f**ked up my ability for nonviolent communication in difficult situations. i either completely avoid, or (in rarer, but still v consequential cases) go ballistic on a mf.
never ends well :/ —
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and my part that learned that "being right" is all that matters and delivery is irrelevant, is like "but we're RIGHT though??? so why are they even mad i said this correct thing in a straightforward way??? they're just dumb"
but it turns out they're just human, as am i. —
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i was just used to being dehumanized in conversations & watching it happen to my siblings 😓😓😓
much of the wider culture and social media seems to really reinforce "justified assholery" as well. so i guess that tendency can come from a lot of places.
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