which in itself lead to trauma, to the overall feeling of the world being a dangerous horrible place where no matter what I get into I get out of there with a tragic backstory
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idk, back when it was happening I just kept framing it as "me bad" ("brain bad", "my moral bad", "my willpower bad"), I just didnt see how I was a direct reflection of my surroundings and my experience
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I kept cutting off parts of myself as "other" (my "depression", my "anxiety", my "holy shit what is this is it in the dsm", etc etc), and I kept losing the sense of my agency.
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I still acted on my preferences as an agent, but bc of "other"ing my parts it increasingly felt like something else controls my life, something powerful that I cannot understand
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if you told me that my depression is a preference, well it'd only feel like an attack. ofc you can't just go claiming someone's depression is a preference, it's a really bad way to word it, but there is some angle to it that was crucial for my recovery
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the reason I was cutting off and "other"ing parts of me is ofc that bad things happened and I tried to get away from the bad feelings, bc I had 0 productive ways of coping with anything I feel, especially the levels of pain that I had to bear then
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so I guess anything can only start with a safe space for you to feel, and it can only start if you have at least some equipment for dealing with the feelings as they arise
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I never had my own room, I never had any private space. Some "safe spacing" was held for me virtually and in my journals, but if you are in an unsafe space physically, virtual safe space can only do so much
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basically I didn't have a place to cry ever which was really impactful in making me unable to deal with what I had to deal with
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give a person traumatic event and a person will cry and heal. take away a person's crying space and yea they can't even go cry about it
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❤️ and also… children’s book idea???
the little bunny runs away from all the other big mean bunnies and finds a place in the woods to be alone and cry a lot and maybe make some nice woodland friends
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