and the genders are specific in the situation b/c i feel like for me this goes back to deeply internalizing feminist memes as a kid about how men are the ones hurting women all the time and we should all feel very bad about it
Conversation
“QC doesn’t this probably have something to do with your mom too” oh you best BELIEVE it does, she’s the only woman i really know how to be angry at but i still don’t expect her to ever take responsibility for anything she did to me
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alright so i gotta say i’m frustrated by a lot of the responses here and here are some snippets from a convo with a friend (who actually inspired this thread) that get at why. this is sharp trenchant analysis, get it while it’s hot
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okay i also want to be clearer about this - when i talk about "responsibility" and "accountability" i am explicitly *not* talking about "blame" or "fault," that's why i used the words i used and not those words
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Replying to @QiaochuYuan
i do this by holding everyone to the same standard (none). there is no blame, there is no fault, everything happened exactly the way it had to. i've still cut certain people off even after forgiving them because i can't ask them to be other than who they are
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when i reflect on *my own* mistakes, i don't blame or fault myself, i try to see the ways in which i could not possibly have done anything else given who i was and what i had access to at the time, *and* i hold myself responsible and accountable for doing better *anyway*
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i believe that i have a responsibility to the people around me to become a better person, own up to my mistakes, try to clean up my messes if i can. the question i am trying to ask you guys is: do you hold women to that same responsibility? how? if not, why not?
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I know my out of channel responses frustrated you, but I'm still going to say a thing here.
The specific words you're using - and what I'm seeing as you doubling down on your way of looking at it (including judgment, given the screen caps!) --
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-- lands to me as extremely disrespectful to men who are trying to lead good, functional lives including partnerships with women (and friendships with women)
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I bet if you inquire you'll find that most men replying who have partners have strategies for finding solutions to mutual problems with their female partners, and strategies for asking them to change behavior that's problematic for them
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I wish you'd take the fact that some of us really don't resonate with your framing as evidence that your framing needs improvement. Of course we may all be missing something - but it's unlikely.
I think that's wiser than doubling down, personally.
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Replying to
of course it's evidence that the frame needs improvement but i've spent most of the last few years neurotically assuming i'm wrong about everything because my framings haven't been literally perfect and sometimes you have to go the opposite direction from that
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QC, respectfully, and I don't know how to say this more kindly right now: you blast your frames on Twitter every single day basically and have been for years
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that is also true, yes
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