serious question for men who’ve been in relationships with women, not gonna elaborate on context for the time being but might later: how do you hold women responsible / accountable for ways they’ve hurt you? (in your own sensemaking at least, not necessarily confronting them)
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okay this was a little too vague so in a bit more detail: i have a lot of trouble getting angry at women for hurting me, generally speaking i take on all the blame myself, there’s something wonky here about treating women as perfect blameless angels or as like moral children
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i have had a ludicrous amount of countryside-devastating trouble with this for both personal and cultural conditioning reasons, and i couldn't even start to do anything about it until i started just refusing the blue tribe frame of women as the source of moral validity
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it's still extremely hard and i can't say i honestly feel like things being injurious to me counts as much as them being injurious to a woman, but clocking them in at maybe a 30% discount seems to be a reasonable compromise that at least has me in the equation
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my pattern is letting things go on because i do not actually know how much i can and can't stand until i find out what i can't stand the hard way, and i can stand a lot so it's real fucking bad by then. if you're like that, you've presumably been down the road a few times now
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it’s very hard for me to know “how bad” any of my situations were, i’ve heard stories about prolonged emotional abuse and it never got that bad for me but i think i have been… betrayed and let down, at least :/
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probably the gold standard technique for modeling that mattering an appropriate amount is imagining that it happened to a good friend of yours
then the trick is just to be a good friend to yourself
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i think i have to also flip the genders around and then hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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