A question i want to ask, gently, with loving curiosity: if you’ve ever hated yourself… why?
(this is not an attack, i promise. i’m looking to understand. i will block anyone who is mean to anyone else in the replies)
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hurt people i didn’t want to hurt
didn’t feel like i was living up to my potential
blamed myself for other people abandoning me, assumed it meant i was broken or defective in some way
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maybe more accurate to say: felt overwhelming guilt about hurting people i didn’t want to hurt, felt overwhelming shame about not living up to my potential, and then i think feeling broken is kinda its own feeling
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at times i have felt not-human, as if the process that was supposed to make a human out of me fucked up and made something not quite
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"it's so cute the way you pretend to be a real boy. with real feelings. a normal human boy. instead of a bottomless pit of need. instead of a bag of demons, where a person should be. it's just me in here, y'know."
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perhaps a more fundamental angle: as a child i was never taught or shown how to forgive myself for making a mistake
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Same here, but in a specific way: Instead of accepting mistakes and learning from them, I was taught to just define that activity out of my circle of care, within which I could still maintain that I had talent. Naturally, this circle would gradually shrink into a point
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