A question i want to ask, gently, with loving curiosity: if you’ve ever hated yourself… why?
(this is not an attack, i promise. i’m looking to understand. i will block anyone who is mean to anyone else in the replies)
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Masks. Some put on me by others, some invented or absurdly reinforced by me. I was also met with a lot of masks, which made the world a confusing place where nothing could be trusted and all good things could very well have ulterior motives. Recipe for deep psychological trouble.
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My own idealized masks made for increasingly impossible self-expectations. My real self fell short, and was never integrated. Instead, I was helped back into my mask when it slipped. My real self *became my shadow*—something I hated, and tried to hide.
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I socially isolated from reality checks in an attempt to save the absurd, unreal mask, because it was the only source of self-worth I knew. But of course, this isolation made my real self more dysfunctional and despicable, intensifying the whole dynamic until I had a mental break
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That was three and a half years ago. I've been making some progress since about two years ago. It's proved very difficult to get out of this deep self-hatred (e.g. making youtube ramble videos is impossible for me at this point), but slow and steady wins the race I suppose
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