Conversation

like for a hopefully pretty relatable example, during tax season it’s pretty easy for “do my taxes” to become the current item and for me to be like aaaah no do not want to think about money too many feelings, and that just kinda sits in me preventing me from using the queue
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when i can’t use the queue in a natural way then i need artificial ways to get to other items in the queue, hence to-do lists and explicit reminders to drink water or w/e and other external tracking tools. but i can also instead sit down to process my feelings about taxes
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(which i did last tax season, and a lot of stuff came up related to my parents (naturally) that ended up feeding into the acid thread) anyway very curious to hear from other people if they’ve noticed stuff like this or if it occurs somewhat or very differently to them
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yes adhd is often characterized as forgetting what needs to be done but actually I always know exactly what I ought to do and that’s why I feel so awful and it makes my agency into a fucked up tangle of self-loathing and escapism
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I do have some serious memory issues, but nothing feels worse than KNOWING what I need to do and not. doing. it. there's an element of the horror of paralysis when my thoughts do not produce actions as expected, watching myself unable to move as I should
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for me it kinda feels like the essence of sin, this inexplicable disconnection from the source of action and goodness: "my executive function, why have you abandoned me, why are you so far away?"
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so then it's like "Jesus himself entered into the state of ADHD in order to imbue even executive dysfunction with grace and salvation" what the hell does that even mean Mikael
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💛 thanks, that actually helps me appreciate it, sometimes I come up with ideas just by rotating words and it takes some time for me to even understand them
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