Conversation

QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
it feels like i have sort of an “internal queue” of things that it occurs to me to do, and this queue is actually perfectly capable of handling all sorts of things, including normal life stuff and friendships, *unless* the current item brings up feelings i am blocking out
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
when that happens the queue stops functioning. i can’t easily skip the current item to get to the next one. my emotional and cognitive capacity get partly taken up by a conflict between “hey, this is the current item” and “aaaah no bad item go away”
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
like for a hopefully pretty relatable example, during tax season it’s pretty easy for “do my taxes” to become the current item and for me to be like aaaah no do not want to think about money too many feelings, and that just kinda sits in me preventing me from using the queue
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
when i can’t use the queue in a natural way then i need artificial ways to get to other items in the queue, hence to-do lists and explicit reminders to drink water or w/e and other external tracking tools. but i can also instead sit down to process my feelings about taxes
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
(which i did last tax season, and a lot of stuff came up related to my parents (naturally) that ended up feeding into the acid thread) anyway very curious to hear from other people if they’ve noticed stuff like this or if it occurs somewhat or very differently to them
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Mikael Brockman 🥸
@meekaale
yes adhd is often characterized as forgetting what needs to be done but actually I always know exactly what I ought to do and that’s why I feel so awful and it makes my agency into a fucked up tangle of self-loathing and escapism
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fluxe
@fluxe_e
I do have some serious memory issues, but nothing feels worse than KNOWING what I need to do and not. doing. it. there's an element of the horror of paralysis when my thoughts do not produce actions as expected, watching myself unable to move as I should
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Mikael Brockman 🥸
@meekaale
for me it kinda feels like the essence of sin, this inexplicable disconnection from the source of action and goodness: "my executive function, why have you abandoned me, why are you so far away?"
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Mikael Brockman 🥸
@meekaale
so then it's like "Jesus himself entered into the state of ADHD in order to imbue even executive dysfunction with grace and salvation" what the hell does that even mean Mikael
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