one of the signs that i’m emerging from a depressive phase to a normal-to-slightly-hypomanic phase is i spontaneously think of specific people i want to reach out to, to either: 1) catch up, 2) thank them for something they did, or 3) apologize to them for something i did
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i reflect on this as i think of the common ADHD thing about being bad at keeping up with old friends. the standard explanation appears to be that this is due to “bad memory” but actually i generally find that my memory is very good as long as i am not “clogged up” emotionally
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it feels like i have sort of an “internal queue” of things that it occurs to me to do, and this queue is actually perfectly capable of handling all sorts of things, including normal life stuff and friendships, *unless* the current item brings up feelings i am blocking out
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i also recently noticed myself sorta “spamming” my queue when i’m feeling avoidant
like, “oh i really need to get some food before i can keep working” even though maybe i’m not even that hungry
maybe: the queue is oppressive, leading to small acts of internal rebellion
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ha yes spamming the queue is real! video games are an amazing way to do tjis