so instead i want to thread in another idea / frame i got from , sarah peyton's "unconscious contracts." there are other ways you could talk about this like schemas, i like this language because it feels respectful and true to the experience
sarahpeyton.com/category/how-t
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"When we are little ones and we experience difficult or traumatic things alone, without warmth and resonance from others, we make agreements to make sure that scary thing will never happen again."
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here's an example that came out of my mouth before i ever heard about unconscious contracts. iirc the "at all costs" is characteristic of this sort of thing although i can't locate a quote of sarah peyton saying that
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what i did instead was roar "I WILL NEVER TREAT ANYONE THE WAY MY FATHER TREATED ME. I WILL BE A BETTER MAN THAN MY FATHER AT ALL COSTS."
then i burst into tears
the workshop lead said "take a knee, gentlemen."
and everyone else - staff, participants - knelt around me
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so, the vague picture is that a sensitive child, especially one who's been somewhat neglected and/or abused by caregivers, who experiences bad things is especially likely to react by making a lot of unconscious contracts to protect themselves: "avoid THIS at ALL COSTS"
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an individual unconscious contract in isolation can seem heroic or noble. i still want to treat other people better than my father treated me
the problem, and the connection with depression, is when you accumulate so many "avoid at ALL COSTS" that no actions feel possible
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when every action that occurs to you feels like it runs the risk of violating one of your unconscious contracts then you kinda can't do anything, or nearly
when i get particularly deep in this i'm basically limited to books, video games, and TV, and the occasional tweet
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sometimes it feels like i'm trapped in a straitjacket constricting almost all of my degrees of motion, and i can like only wiggle my pinky, metaphorically speaking. and so i've pondered quite a lot how to get out of this sort of trap
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the stuff about crying and feeling feelings i used to tweet a ton about was a major piece of the puzzle for me and unblocked a ton of stuff
*and* in retrospect i was missing a huge huge thing around what you might call reconnecting to joy
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Sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time QC. FWIW in my experience with learning to relate to depression, this ‘connecting to joy’ bit goes very deep, it can feel archetypal, like a spark of life jumping out of darkness; enjoyment of any movement connected w/ flow of life
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That capacity to be open to both the texture of pain/confusion/sadness, along with the little sparks of joy/ease — that in itself is a big lesson. I’m proud of you for having been brave enough to face it and find that out for yourself. It’s significant.
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thank you, it's good to hear you think i'm onto something 😅🙏