so, next, i recently finally got around to reading 's "null call" and it's really good. i was very struck by his description of the signs of potential shamanism. this bit about being "wired for danger" especially
arcove.substack.com/p/null-call
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i've seen versions of this idea elsewhere with different labels. i think "highly sensitive person" is pointing towards the same thing, as is gabor mate's analysis of ADHD, and i think "sensitive" is the word i want for now, it's descriptive and doesn't have too much baggage
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so, let's imagine that there is some kind of "sensitivity" spectrum along which people can vary, with probably a large genetic component. sensitive children will be impacted more by anything that happens to them, good or bad; they feel it more, they "overupdate" on it
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there is a particular thing that i think happens when something bad happens to a sensitive child, which i had previously been using the word "trauma" to describe but i think that word is increasingly loaded with baggage so i want to try a different tack for now
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so instead i want to thread in another idea / frame i got from , sarah peyton's "unconscious contracts." there are other ways you could talk about this like schemas, i like this language because it feels respectful and true to the experience
sarahpeyton.com/category/how-t
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"When we are little ones and we experience difficult or traumatic things alone, without warmth and resonance from others, we make agreements to make sure that scary thing will never happen again."
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here's an example that came out of my mouth before i ever heard about unconscious contracts. iirc the "at all costs" is characteristic of this sort of thing although i can't locate a quote of sarah peyton saying that
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what i did instead was roar "I WILL NEVER TREAT ANYONE THE WAY MY FATHER TREATED ME. I WILL BE A BETTER MAN THAN MY FATHER AT ALL COSTS."
then i burst into tears
the workshop lead said "take a knee, gentlemen."
and everyone else - staff, participants - knelt around me
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so, the vague picture is that a sensitive child, especially one who's been somewhat neglected and/or abused by caregivers, who experiences bad things is especially likely to react by making a lot of unconscious contracts to protect themselves: "avoid THIS at ALL COSTS"
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an individual unconscious contract in isolation can seem heroic or noble. i still want to treat other people better than my father treated me
the problem, and the connection with depression, is when you accumulate so many "avoid at ALL COSTS" that no actions feel possible
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this is a beautiful and accurate way of phrasing it
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