i'm bored of talking about how badly school fucked me up but it just keeps coming up for me, lol. it savagely smashed my sleep, diet, gut health, etc off-course for a full 15 years. yea yea i'm an anomaly and maybe the system works great for everyone else sure i don't wanna argue
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cigarette smoking was a very sticky habit for me for 10+ years because I was using it to self-medicate volatile blood sugar levels which were a consequence of the sleep and nutrition fuckups, and that's a very deep groove to get into
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and its always funny for me to think about how mandatory military conscription felt comparatively blissful for me relative to school. i'd rather have been a child soldier if that were an option
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my latest ?! confusion while editing my book: it's dawning on me that I probably underestimate how much school may have fucked up my sleep. I like to insist that I have fundamentally anomalous sleep patterns to begin with, but I don't think that was as true until school...
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I do trust myself to eventually resolve everything as best as they can possibly resolved, but man. the hits keep coming. it does make my 20s etc make more sense in retrospect, how much blockage and warping there is/was throughout my entire system. amazing i'm functional at all
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I sleep so well on vacation it's insane. It's dawning on me that I'm literally anxious about "homework" all the time. That was true when it was literal work stuff when I had a job. But now it's also true when I'm working for myself? So sinister how it corrupts you from within
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i've run into something like this a few times and i still have no idea what to do with it. it was bad enough in school but it got incredibly bad in grad school where i literally never felt like i had done enough work on my thesis and it was just hanging over me all the time
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were you any decent at scheduling your time, planning, etc? I feel like that might be something I need to be more mindful of to address this but I have no idea if it'll actually help
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no, terrible. the bigger problem was that i didn't actually care about my thesis research which is one of the main reasons i eventually just left. but the permanent sense of "i am still not done with my homework" persists 😬
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mm i am relatively blessed in that i work on things that I actually love / care about, i think if it weren't the case I would be truly down horrific rn
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