Getting a massage today for the first time since graduating massage school. I'm nervous & excited, & it's got me thinking about why I went.
Conversation
For those who don't know, my massage school experience was kinda hellish! I was in an accelerated program, and the pandemic hit, and I had trauma I didn't know about that was coming up constantly. By the end of the program it hurt every time somebody touched me 😥
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It was just such a difficult experience. I nearly quit more than once and I really felt like I lost track of my reasons for being there.
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I went to massage school because I had multiple experiences of doing spontaneous touch-based energy work on people and getting good results. I wanted to learn how to touch people safely, and I wanted to legally be allowed to touch people at all 😅
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I'm not particularly interested in massage therapy for its own sake. I'm mainly interested in touch as a vehicle for energetic & emotional healing, in combination with voice and music, for mind-body-spirit integration. Which, of course, is something I struggle with every day.
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It sucks to hold a skill and then not be in a position to use it, but my goal is to help people regulate, and I can't do that when I'm dysregulated myself. I can't do that when performing massage brings up profound anxiety for me.
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I don't know when I'll be able to do the work I want to do, but I hope in a few years I'll be more healed & able to offer something back.
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