the last time i held anything resembling a real job i noticed i wanted someone in the organization to get mad at me for not producing very much output and hold me to a higher standard and no one ever did
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bruh, you cheat yourself by doing this. the only standard you can ever truly be held to is your own. any time you have succeeded by someone holding you to a higher standard, that's just them giving you permission to expect more from yourself.
you can do it.
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i am coming to see this yes. it feels lonely tho
most people don't need to dig existential satisfaction out of themselves the way we do. it *is* a lonely club; we are few and embattled, simultaneously at war with the world (which we love desperately) and ourselves (who we desperately want to love)
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i think it's less glamorous than this. more a trap that is created by the intersection of a wealthy material culture and a particular mental typology.
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when you hold your performance hostage in that way, you create distance and obligation with everyone close to you. that's what creates the loneliness and disconnection.
it's only when you stop that you can see this, and that is what makes it difficult to stay stopped.
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in this way it's akin to alcoholism or other substance abuse problems. one can only see the asshole that one becomes when one stops. horrified by the sight, many choose not to look.
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QC this thread of yours has expressed a deep truth of life. Having your own standard matters but it feels lonely bc it's not the whole puzzle. Jordan Peterson's "Maps of Meaning" lectures on YouTube hold a level of answers to your struggle.
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