I'm gonna try to articulate a deep internal divide that's been totally confusing me lately.
I seem committed to cultivating myself in two seemingly completely opposite directions. It's become clear that both pulls are powerfully strong and neither is going anywhere.
Conversation
1)I seem bent on cultivating artistic, pagan, feminine chaos within me, throwing off reins & becoming utterly outside of society, unbound, truth-speaking even at risk of cancellation or death, a vessel.
Virginia Woolf, mask & puppet work, Chopin, Lear's fool, speaking in tongues
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2) I'm constantly thinking about virtue ethics, how to be a worthy leader (and follower), & reading George Washington biographies.
I've been compared to Athena specifically in her role as the defender of patriarchal values.
"Integrous" is my most-used word of the last 6 months.
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I even have two kinds of spirituality underpinning each aspect--
1) the shamanistic spirit possessing me onstage & in the throes of creative passion; the relativistic, sensational, free, tantric presence. The serving of the community through insanity, through greater aliveness
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2) Disciplined, joyful, dutiful desire to do nothing but cultivate myself towards goodness & serve others, to do no harm, to listen well, to become deeply internally aligned, trustworthy, honest, respectful, and in alignment always with my singular inner voice.
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Right now, this difference feels hilariously epitomized by the 2 social media platforms I'm using most (the way I specifically am using them).
Tiktok for comedy videos, entertainment, goofiness, performance
Twitter for clear, concise ideas, sturdy truth-telling
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I associate 1) with my relationships with women and 2) with my relationships with men
I'm terrified to be without either, but more terrified to be without (1), bc I think it's more fundamental to me and more central to my earlier origins
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I vaguely associate (1) with the sex organs and (2) with the head.
The heart feels like part of both.
The will feels like part of both.
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I think they might be at war.
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what if they fucked
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or y’know they take each other out to dinner first or whatever, get to know each other a little first