you can offer a lot of help with the “shape up” part, like “mom i think you should see a therapist” or whatever seems right to you. but like... conversations should be voluntary. if you don’t want to have these exhausting conversations you’re allowed to withdraw consent imo
i think you are allowed to want to feel like an actual participant in conversations with your mother! tricky stuff and at least you’re still trying, i gave up on being able to talk to my mother when i was like 10 or something. best of luck 🙏