i have in fact experienced decades of subtle pressure from all angles, including internal ones, to neurotically respond and actively sexually perform for my partners. it took me until 26 to notice and a big part of why is that nobody told me this was a problem men could have
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i continue to believe that "attachment is the real gender" in many ways; excessively people-pleasing wrt your partners (or in general) is imo an anxious attachment issue, and people of all genders can run into it
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anxious attaching men in particular i think are reluctant to talk about their experiences because their problems seem embarrassing and shameful compared to what's in the discourse; because the discourse mostly represents anxious women they seem like "feminine" problems
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what frustrates me about this issue in particular is all the messaging i heard growing up was about men being incredibly selfish sexually
all i *ever* wanted to do sexually was please my partners
i just didn't know how and i didn't get many opportunities to practice
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and i don't think i ever allowed myself to be sad about that either but i am actually very sad about that mismatch. i don't feel like culture acknowledges that men like me exist and i hate it actually. i've never felt represented in a whole bunch of ways and this is a huge one
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there was a woman on twitter who tweeted something like "i used to be afraid of men but now i've come to realize that men literally love women so much they're willing to die for us" and i was like YES thank you someone finally gets it, *that* feels like it's actually about *me*
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i found the tweet!
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When you stop freaking out about how much men are supposedly trying to oppress you, you open your eyes to an entire world of men literally willing to die to make you happy.
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just remembered that an ex once told me she felt like i was being selfish in bed when literally the only thing i was trying to do when we messed around was get her off and i was like ???????????????????????????????????
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i've never had a pleasurable sexual experience involving my penis with a partner even once, and until pretty recently that hasn't even felt like a thing i was allowed to want, partly because of experiences like this
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btw in case it helps, two other big problems i have that i grew up hearing only about women having
🔸issues with consent, e.g. saying yes to sexual stuff before you're ready
🔸sexual trauma, for lack of a better word, e.g. being too scared and anxious around sex to be horny
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those are related, naturally. i was blocked on even considering those possibilities for a long time by the cultural construction of men as sexually ravenous (which never resonated with me either). that's just not how i was. if anything i constantly repressed myself sexually
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The specific object-level prompt is that I've had a number of quiet conversations with women friends about how they feel very excluded by online discourse about supposedly universal female experiences, or e.g. TUOC's post here. theunitofcaring.tumblr.com/post/117203975
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also related!
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If you're a nerdy guy and you feel guilty about flirting because some online feminists have been shitty to people like you, I've got a few tweets, threads, and posts that might help some. It's been a long journey for me and I'd love to help my fellow men.
RESOURCE THREAD
RESOURCE THREAD Show this thread
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holy crap i've gotten a lot of DMs about this thread, it is truly crazy how many people relate but don't feel comfortable talking about it publicly
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"a lot" could mean very different things to different people so i counted. 17 DMs, mostly men but also some trans / queer women
tbc i appreciate this a lot, DMs are really good, it really helps me get a better sense of how much of a thing this is for people other than me
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