Conversation

QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
this is not even remotely a trans thing imo and it's frustrating how hard that is to talk about also. it's just a contingent feature of modern society that women are widely recognized as, and validated for, having certain problems while nobody discusses men having those problems
1
3
95
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
i have in fact experienced decades of subtle pressure from all angles, including internal ones, to neurotically respond and actively sexually perform for my partners. it took me until 26 to notice and a big part of why is that nobody told me this was a problem men could have
1
2
77
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
i continue to believe that "attachment is the real gender" in many ways; excessively people-pleasing wrt your partners (or in general) is imo an anxious attachment issue, and people of all genders can run into it
Quote Tweet
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
·
anxious attaching men in particular i think are reluctant to talk about their experiences because their problems seem embarrassing and shameful compared to what's in the discourse; because the discourse mostly represents anxious women they seem like "feminine" problems
Show this thread
7:48 PM · Mar 31, 2021Twitter Web App
84
Likes
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
Replying to
@QiaochuYuan
what frustrates me about this issue in particular is all the messaging i heard growing up was about men being incredibly selfish sexually all i *ever* wanted to do sexually was please my partners i just didn't know how and i didn't get many opportunities to practice
5
4
78
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
and i don't think i ever allowed myself to be sad about that either but i am actually very sad about that mismatch. i don't feel like culture acknowledges that men like me exist and i hate it actually. i've never felt represented in a whole bunch of ways and this is a huge one
2
78
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
there was a woman on twitter who tweeted something like "i used to be afraid of men but now i've come to realize that men literally love women so much they're willing to die for us" and i was like YES thank you someone finally gets it, *that* feels like it's actually about *me*
1
5
86
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
just remembered that an ex once told me she felt like i was being selfish in bed when literally the only thing i was trying to do when we messed around was get her off and i was like ???????????????????????????????????
5
46
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
i've never had a pleasurable sexual experience involving my penis with a partner even once, and until pretty recently that hasn't even felt like a thing i was allowed to want, partly because of experiences like this
3
45
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
btw in case it helps, two other big problems i have that i grew up hearing only about women having 🔸issues with consent, e.g. saying yes to sexual stuff before you're ready 🔸sexual trauma, for lack of a better word, e.g. being too scared and anxious around sex to be horny
2
1
48
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
those are related, naturally. i was blocked on even considering those possibilities for a long time by the cultural construction of men as sexually ravenous (which never resonated with me either). that's just not how i was. if anything i constantly repressed myself sexually
2
1
39
QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)
@QiaochuYuan
"a lot" could mean very different things to different people so i counted. 17 DMs, mostly men but also some trans / queer women tbc i appreciate this a lot, DMs are really good, it really helps me get a better sense of how much of a thing this is for people other than me
1
33