having chronic depression is, more than anything, the most fatiguing condition in the world.
been battling this for 8 years; when i get into the cycle, i only feel emptiness & frustration at the emptiness.
but I’m really proud of myself to keep choosing to be here. luv u, me ❤️
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it is actually magical that i choose me every day, especially on the days it is hardest
the fact that i cook myself my favorite food, go to the beach, watch the sunset, take a shower, untangle my curly hair, moisturize, try to keep hydrated
it’s SO hard to do this some days
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it seems silly to people who don’t have this be their entire life, and I get it
showering is hard. brushing your teeth is hard. caring about anything at all is hard, much less yourself. you have to fight your own mind to do it.
it’s taken me 8 years to get here.
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the best thing i saw after Anthony Bourdain died was a post that said he had *survived* till 61 years old. For someone with depression, that is an insane age
I didn’t think I’d be here at 24, at all. I can’t even really wrap my head around the number 61
every day is WORK
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it’s entirely possible one day, i just cannot do the work anymore.
i don’t have the words to express the breadth of exhaustion this causes me, or anyone like me.
i am NEVER not tired. I don’t remember not being tired in the last 5 years, really. It’s j a state of being.
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but I choose me every day. and I’ve gotten so, so, so good at it.
i’m not regular w/ it, it’s hard to be. but over time i have maintained consistency in choosing myself. sometimes I fail! that’s fine, that’s the disease
i’ve gotten REAL good at still trying, tho 🥰
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it’s taken so much out of me to keep choosing to be here
it’s always because i want to see the sunset one more time. the beach. hear the waves. listen to my favorite song. buy myself some tulips. crack an egg perfectly. laugh uncontrollably with a friend. one more time!
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it’s “one more time” every day. some days it’s easier. some days it’s not.
but i think it’s probably just going to be “one more time” till it’s not, you know?
sometimes it just feels unfair that i have to work so hard to do this, but i gotta see the sunset one more time, so
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