in disorganized attachment, the caregiver is supposed to be a source of comfort but becomes a source of fear. moving towards the caregiver feels unacceptable and moving away also feels unacceptable
when everything feels unacceptable, you can't act based on feeling anymore
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So if your parents did everything right, you *can* navigate through life entirely by your feelings and get good results?
:skeptical face:
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If your parents did an adequate amount right, feeling would not feel opposed to thought. takes a stronger version of this than I do and I think holds that you would not need to delay gratification because appropriate actions would feel gratifying.
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I mostly agree with what you said, but IMO a bit problem with almost everything written about attachment is that it rounds the entire environment to “your parents” or “your mother”.
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hmmmmmmmm can you say more? a big thing the attachment repair guy emphasizes is that a lot of attachment conditioning is already set in place as early as 18 months. that's too early for eg school to be relevant. but certainly other relatives could be...?
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Yeah, I roll to disbelieve that anything is particularly set in place other than because that’s the age when people start treating kids worse.
I could be wrong of course, but afaict kids can change their attachments with their parents over time.
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oh dang
idk where he got the statistic from but he said something like 70-80% of people in a sample had the same attachment style at 18 months as at 20 years, which means 20-30% different!
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Well but I think I’d expect something like that that even if we’re totally possible to change it, wouldn’t you?
Most people kind of keep doing the same thing they were doing before?
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But I dunno, statistics and more complicated theories aside, I think it’s under appreciated that around 18 months is when lots of parents and other people around basically enter a much more adversarial relationship with their kids.
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daaaaaang
hmm
food for thought for sure
could test with people who are raised by a completely different set of caregivers before and after that age i guess
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saw this from a friend today, seemed potentially relevant
