in disorganized attachment, the caregiver is supposed to be a source of comfort but becomes a source of fear. moving towards the caregiver feels unacceptable and moving away also feels unacceptable
when everything feels unacceptable, you can't act based on feeling anymore
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So if your parents did everything right, you *can* navigate through life entirely by your feelings and get good results?
:skeptical face:
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If your parents did an adequate amount right, feeling would not feel opposed to thought. takes a stronger version of this than I do and I think holds that you would not need to delay gratification because appropriate actions would feel gratifying.
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I mostly agree with what you said, but IMO a bit problem with almost everything written about attachment is that it rounds the entire environment to “your parents” or “your mother”.
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hmmmmmmmm can you say more? a big thing the attachment repair guy emphasizes is that a lot of attachment conditioning is already set in place as early as 18 months. that's too early for eg school to be relevant. but certainly other relatives could be...?
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Yeah, I roll to disbelieve that anything is particularly set in place other than because that’s the age when people start treating kids worse.
I could be wrong of course, but afaict kids can change their attachments with their parents over time.
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oh dang
idk where he got the statistic from but he said something like 70-80% of people in a sample had the same attachment style at 18 months as at 20 years, which means 20-30% different!
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Well but I think I’d expect something like that that even if we’re totally possible to change it, wouldn’t you?
Most people kind of keep doing the same thing they were doing before?
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But I dunno, statistics and more complicated theories aside, I think it’s under appreciated that around 18 months is when lots of parents and other people around basically enter a much more adversarial relationship with their kids.
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daaaaaang
hmm
food for thought for sure
could test with people who are raised by a completely different set of caregivers before and after that age i guess
saw this from a friend today, seemed potentially relevant
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I know kids who were adopted by better parents at ~that age and still had some attachment issues
but it's hard to separate that from the fact that an abused/neglected/traumatized kid isn't easy to raise, even for the best of parents
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the attachment theory stuff my mom read (in the context of parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder) said that you can risk attachment disorders as early as 3mo
but, uh, the recommended therapies that came along with that claim were kind of batshit and...
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