"When your partner chronically acts in ways that bother you, your tendency is to: (1) assume that behavior represents a core personality trait that you’re stuck with, and (2) attribute a selfish or pathological motive to the behavior."
Conversation
"Because of these monolithic attributions, you will be critical or contemptuous of your partner, and she will respond in kind."
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"The result of processes like these is that each partner retreats behind walls of indifference or caution. The playful and loving parts that initially brought them together are bruised and now seem too vulnerable to reveal."
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"The terrorism alert between them shifts from green to amber and, sometimes, even to red. Their interactions become stilted and predictable because only a few members of their respective inner tribes do the interacting, and those members don’t trust each other."
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"1. Are you ashamed of the extreme thoughts and emotions you experience in your relationship? Do you worry that they are your true feelings?"
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"2. Do you take the extreme things your partner says or does as representative of a core personality trait? If so, how does that affect the way you feel about the relationship?"
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"3. What would change in your relationship if you trusted that all of the above came from small, burdened parts of you and your partner?"
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"Like aging, intimate relationships are not for sissies. They require the courage to face what is ugly and scary in yourself and your partner, love fully without possessing, and risk losing that love. That is why intimate relationships are so rare—why so many people settle..."
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"I have introduced a raft of provocative concepts and suggestions in this book whose unorthodox nature may make your head spin at first. All I can tell you is that they have served my clients and me extremely well."
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"They vastly increase the odds that the risks you take for intimacy will lead to growth and healing. Happy trailheads, and may the Self be with you."
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commentary thread (i am so sorry for the spam you guys):
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thoughts on posting a billion tweets about richard schwartz's IFS relationship book, "you are the one you've been waiting for." as you can tell, i really really like this book a lot and i haven't even read past the sample
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st
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