"It is scary to reveal to anyone, but especially to your intimate other, aspects of your character that you view as weak, unsavory, or shameful. The fear is that once you expose those parts of you, you will be forever seen by that other as having those character flaws."
Conversation
"If you both understand that those are just small parts of you—parts that carry burdens of worthlessness, insecurity, distorted sexual impulses... parts that simply need empathy and acceptance to heal—it’s easier for you to reveal them and for your partner to respond lovingly."
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"There is something magical about trusting that all of you is welcomed in a relationship. It’s as if you are a single parent who feels ashamed of how ugly, stupid, or frail some of your children are and thinks they reflect badly on your genes and parenting. Then..."
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"... you find someone who... can see... their essential goodness and lovability. You feel an incredible connection to that person, based not only on relief at no longer having to hide your children... but also on seeing how he makes them shine and how attached they are to him."
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"When this process of vulnerability and acceptance is mutual, couples form such a secure connection that their protectors relax and their young parts know it is safe to pop out at any time."
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"You may know a couple whose relationship seems full of lively spontaneity and creative playfulness. They literally bring out the best in each other because they each know that all their parts are welcome to step into the warm, safe space between them."
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"Their interactions have the feel of an improv ensemble, with a wide variety of characters jumping excitedly onto the stage and playing off each other."
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"Unfortunately, such vibrant relationships are rare because without the multiplicity perspective and the knowledge of how to hold Self-leadership, it is very difficult not to overreact to the extremes of some of your partner’s parts."
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"When your partner chronically acts in ways that bother you, your tendency is to: (1) assume that behavior represents a core personality trait that you’re stuck with, and (2) attribute a selfish or pathological motive to the behavior."
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"Because of these monolithic attributions, you will be critical or contemptuous of your partner, and she will respond in kind."
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"The result of processes like these is that each partner retreats behind walls of indifference or caution. The playful and loving parts that initially brought them together are bruised and now seem too vulnerable to reveal."
Replying to
"The terrorism alert between them shifts from green to amber and, sometimes, even to red. Their interactions become stilted and predictable because only a few members of their respective inner tribes do the interacting, and those members don’t trust each other."
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"1. Are you ashamed of the extreme thoughts and emotions you experience in your relationship? Do you worry that they are your true feelings?"
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"2. Do you take the extreme things your partner says or does as representative of a core personality trait? If so, how does that affect the way you feel about the relationship?"
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"3. What would change in your relationship if you trusted that all of the above came from small, burdened parts of you and your partner?"
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"Like aging, intimate relationships are not for sissies. They require the courage to face what is ugly and scary in yourself and your partner, love fully without possessing, and risk losing that love. That is why intimate relationships are so rare—why so many people settle..."
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"I have introduced a raft of provocative concepts and suggestions in this book whose unorthodox nature may make your head spin at first. All I can tell you is that they have served my clients and me extremely well."
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"They vastly increase the odds that the risks you take for intimacy will lead to growth and healing. Happy trailheads, and may the Self be with you."
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commentary thread (i am so sorry for the spam you guys):
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thoughts on posting a billion tweets about richard schwartz's IFS relationship book, "you are the one you've been waiting for." as you can tell, i really really like this book a lot and i haven't even read past the sample
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st
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