choice quotes from richard schwartz's IFS relationship book "you are the one you've been waiting for," part 4:
"Multiplicity Versus the Myth of the Monolithic Personality"
Conversation
"One other cultural influence has a pervasive and toxic effect on intimate relationships. I call it the myth of the monolithic personality—the belief that we have but one mind from which emanate various thoughts and feelings."
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"I believe it is no exaggeration to say that the myth of the monolithic personality is one of the greatest causes of distance in and dissolution of intimate relationships, and that awareness of our natural multiplicity is the greatest antidote."
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"[I]t is much easier not to write off your partner when you know you have an inner family with lots of different perspectives and desires... than when you take as gospel all the crazy feelings about your partner that come up inside you during the dance of intimacy."
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"[D]uring the inevitable dark periods in the relationship when you find your love for him leaking out of your heart like air out of a balloon, and your mind is reminding you of all his faults and wishing he would move out or die so you could finally be free..."
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"...it is terrifying to believe that those are your most authentic feelings, thoughts, and desires. If you don’t love him anymore, why are you still with him? How can you be so selfish as to want him to die? What’s wrong with you that you can’t make relationships work?"
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"If, on the other hand, you recognize that your sudden absence of love is caused by the activation of protective parts of you that have blocked out your love in the way that the moon obscures the sun during an eclipse, you can trust that there is no need to panic..."
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"Instead, you use that numbing experience to signal the need to listen inside to discover why you’ve become so protective and what needs to change, both internally and externally, to help your protectors trust that it is safe to open your heart again."
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"Even during the worst storms, when both of you are
totally flooded by extreme protectors, the knowledge that... that the clouds will part and the sun will shine again; that the protectors on both sides will relax and your two Selves will emerge eventually—is very comforting..."
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"Once your Selves re-emerge, repair and reconnection are possible. People can tolerate a great deal of scary turbulence if they trust that smooth skies are just ahead.... [I]t’s only when protectors come to permanently dominate interactions that relationships are doomed."
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"It is scary to reveal to anyone, but especially to your intimate other, aspects of your character that you view as weak, unsavory, or shameful. The fear is that once you expose those parts of you, you will be forever seen by that other as having those character flaws."
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"If you both understand that those are just small parts of you—parts that carry burdens of worthlessness, insecurity, distorted sexual impulses... parts that simply need empathy and acceptance to heal—it’s easier for you to reveal them and for your partner to respond lovingly."
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"There is something magical about trusting that all of you is welcomed in a relationship. It’s as if you are a single parent who feels ashamed of how ugly, stupid, or frail some of your children are and thinks they reflect badly on your genes and parenting. Then..."
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"... you find someone who... can see... their essential goodness and lovability. You feel an incredible connection to that person, based not only on relief at no longer having to hide your children... but also on seeing how he makes them shine and how attached they are to him."
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"When this process of vulnerability and acceptance is mutual, couples form such a secure connection that their protectors relax and their young parts know it is safe to pop out at any time."
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"You may know a couple whose relationship seems full of lively spontaneity and creative playfulness. They literally bring out the best in each other because they each know that all their parts are welcome to step into the warm, safe space between them."
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"Their interactions have the feel of an improv ensemble, with a wide variety of characters jumping excitedly onto the stage and playing off each other."
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"Unfortunately, such vibrant relationships are rare because without the multiplicity perspective and the knowledge of how to hold Self-leadership, it is very difficult not to overreact to the extremes of some of your partner’s parts."
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"When your partner chronically acts in ways that bother you, your tendency is to: (1) assume that behavior represents a core personality trait that you’re stuck with, and (2) attribute a selfish or pathological motive to the behavior."
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"Because of these monolithic attributions, you will be critical or contemptuous of your partner, and she will respond in kind."
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"The result of processes like these is that each partner retreats behind walls of indifference or caution. The playful and loving parts that initially brought them together are bruised and now seem too vulnerable to reveal."
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"The terrorism alert between them shifts from green to amber and, sometimes, even to red. Their interactions become stilted and predictable because only a few members of their respective inner tribes do the interacting, and those members don’t trust each other."
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"1. Are you ashamed of the extreme thoughts and emotions you experience in your relationship? Do you worry that they are your true feelings?"
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"2. Do you take the extreme things your partner says or does as representative of a core personality trait? If so, how does that affect the way you feel about the relationship?"
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"3. What would change in your relationship if you trusted that all of the above came from small, burdened parts of you and your partner?"
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"Like aging, intimate relationships are not for sissies. They require the courage to face what is ugly and scary in yourself and your partner, love fully without possessing, and risk losing that love. That is why intimate relationships are so rare—why so many people settle..."
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"I have introduced a raft of provocative concepts and suggestions in this book whose unorthodox nature may make your head spin at first. All I can tell you is that they have served my clients and me extremely well."
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"They vastly increase the odds that the risks you take for intimacy will lead to growth and healing. Happy trailheads, and may the Self be with you."
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commentary thread (i am so sorry for the spam you guys):
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thoughts on posting a billion tweets about richard schwartz's IFS relationship book, "you are the one you've been waiting for." as you can tell, i really really like this book a lot and i haven't even read past the sample
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st
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