"In this way, men are expected to perform a total reversal of their entrenched inner systems. Suddenly they are supposed to access the very same vulnerable, sensitive, and caring parts that they spent their lives trying to keep locked up."
Conversation
"Simultaneously, they are expected to exile some of their most trusted protectors. To further confuse things, they need to remain close to the striving, competitive protectors that help them succeed and make lots of money, but not bring those parts into the relationship."
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"Since in their relationship they can’t rely on aggressiveness or rationality anymore, many men just give up and hide behind stony walls of indifference and passivity, which only further enrages their partners."
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"Women, on the other hand, faced their own quandaries as gender expectations shifted. In the post-sixties world, they were expected to shed their subservient and self-sacrificing selves and find their power—the assertive and ambitious parts they had exiled earlier."
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"[W]omen were trying to achieve a reversal of entrenched inner systems without knowing how.... [T]heir caretaker parts... led them to do more than their share at home (in full collusion with their husbands’ entitled parts) while also working outside the home."
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"[W]hen mixed with the chronic disappointment in their husbands’ emotional limitations... [t]he inner battles between women’s caretakers and their assertive parts often built over time until, seemingly out of the blue, their assertive protectors would explode"
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"[M]en react much more strongly than women when they begin to get into marital conflict and stay activated much longer. They may seem rational and calm on the outside, but inside they are going crazy in reaction to their wives’ criticisms."
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"In addition, he found that as the tension builds in couples’ fights, men are much more likely than women to shut down emotionally and become what he calls stonewallers—people who turn away from and completely ignore their partners in the face of criticism."
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"Women are more likely to bring up issues that lead to arguments and to be critical of their husbands. When he then begins to stonewall, she feels unheard and escalates the argument, leading to a common vicious cycle in which he shuts down more and she gets increasingly angry..."
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"Given that men have highly vulnerable exiles that they try to keep locked up at all costs, it makes sense that criticism from their wives would trigger the shame those exiles carry, which would account for men’s extreme physiological reactions."
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"As we’ve discussed, men’s angry parts aren’t welcome in many marriages and, also, many men fear what they might do to their partner if they let rage take over. So they are left with few alternatives."
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"They are loathe to expose and don’t have words to describe the intense vulnerability they feel, and their customary protectors are taboo. Shutting down externally seems like the safest choice, while... internally their stifled angry protectors continue to roil beneath...."
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"Far more than men, women are socialized to take care of
their exiles through relationships. Therefore, when their exiles are upset, women want to change things in their marriages so that their distressed exiles get from their husbands the love and comfort those parts need...."
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"Hence women are more often the initiators of change-oriented discussions and are frustrated and critical when those discussions are aborted by their husbands’ stonewalling."
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"In addition, because of the collusion between women’s caretaker parts and men’s entitled ones, real imbalances often exist in the lifestyles of each spouse—the wife has more responsibility and fewer resources—that fuel her rage and his reluctance to talk."
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"Many men’s exiles are so well insulated from them that it often seems that they don’t need intimacy. The fallacy of that myth is exposed when, for example, their partner decides she has finally had enough and threatens seriously to abandon them."
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"At that point, many men’s protective fortresses crack open, and their raw, needy exiles break through and take over. I’ve seen husbands who a day earlier had seemed aloof, totally in control and independent, transform into desperate, pleading little boys when facing abandonment"
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"Many of the incompatibilities between men and women come from differences in how they were trained to relate to those needy parts inside and outside. When it comes to achieving intimacy, both men and women are expected to reverse various rigid internal systems...."
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"1. ...How much have you exiled the softer, more vulnerable, or “feminine” parts of you? ... Are you the one who doesn’t bring up issues and shuts down when they are brought up? What is conflict like for you? How much do you expect your partner to be nurturing and soft?"
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"2. ... Are you dominated by caretaking parts? How much access do you have to your assertiveness—to your ability to ask directly for what you need? How hard is it to feel okay when distance exists in your relationship? How much do you expect your partner to be strong...?"
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(i removed the gender qualifications b/c i think things are more complicated for millennials and younger for lots of reasons - i personally relate more strongly to the "woman" exercise, attachment is the real gender, etc.)
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new thread for part 4, probably will be the last one:
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choice quotes from richard schwartz's IFS relationship book "you are the one you've been waiting for," part 4:
"Multiplicity Versus the Myth of the Monolithic Personality"
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