choice quotes from richard schwartz's IFS relationship book, "you are the one you've been looking for," part 3:
"Gender Socialization"
(dick is NOT PLAYING AROUND we are STILL IN CHAPTER 1)
Conversation
"In general, boys are taught to value and lead with certain parts of them and to exile others. Girls are socialized to do the same, but with different sets of parts. These differences... challenge the common assumption that women are better equipped to be intimate than men."
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"In that pattern, boys were nurtured by their caretaker (usually their mother) until a certain young ageāperhaps four or fiveāwhen, out of fear of their being sissified, they were wrenched away and often brutally shamed by their father or by peers..."
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"... for expressions of weakness or any emotions other than aggressiveness and angerāanything considered feminine."
"This pattern left many of the men Iāve treated with extremely needy and fearful exiles which were so thoroughly locked away that most of the time..."
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"...the men had no access to those vulnerable feelings. The term alexithymia has been used to describe such men because they are so cut off from those emotions that they donāt have words to describe them."
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"To keep their dark fear and loneliness at bay, men become dominated by rational, aggressive, competitive, never let-āem-see-you-sweat protectors that serve them well in the business world and are determined to never again allow them to be hurt or humiliated."
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"Instead, traditionally raised girls were supposed to be caretakers.... [T]he focus on caretaking others left them little ability to nurture their own vulnerable parts. Whereas men tried to abandon those exiles, women learned to find comfort for them in relationships."
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"The parts of girls, however, that were bright and assertive, lively and competent, were exiled, and they became dominated by self-critical protectors that kept them obsessed with the needs of others and with appearing attractive to men."
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"Because of being raised in families where males were more highly valued, these girls also had exiles that felt worthless and focused on the approval of a father who was increasingly threatened by them and who distanced from them as they developed physically."
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"Since the sixties, the traditional ways of being men and women have been challenged, creating confusing contradictions for both genders. Now men are still expected to be strong and high achieving in the outside world, but within their relationship they should be..."
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"... emotionally intelligentāin touch with and open about their feelings and nurturing of their partnerās feelings. The protectors they were raised to count onārational, impatient, action-oriented problem solvers and entitled, macho objectifiersāare no longer welcome at home."
Replying to
"In this way, men are expected to perform a total reversal of their entrenched inner systems. Suddenly they are supposed to access the very same vulnerable, sensitive, and caring parts that they spent their lives trying to keep locked up."
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"Simultaneously, they are expected to exile some of their most trusted protectors. To further confuse things, they need to remain close to the striving, competitive protectors that help them succeed and make lots of money, but not bring those parts into the relationship."
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"Since in their relationship they canāt rely on aggressiveness or rationality anymore, many men just give up and hide behind stony walls of indifference and passivity, which only further enrages their partners."
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"Women, on the other hand, faced their own quandaries as gender expectations shifted. In the post-sixties world, they were expected to shed their subservient and self-sacrificing selves and find their powerāthe assertive and ambitious parts they had exiled earlier."
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"[W]omen were trying to achieve a reversal of entrenched inner systems without knowing how.... [T]heir caretaker parts... led them to do more than their share at home (in full collusion with their husbandsā entitled parts) while also working outside the home."
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"[W]hen mixed with the chronic disappointment in their husbandsā emotional limitations... [t]he inner battles between womenās caretakers and their assertive parts often built over time until, seemingly out of the blue, their assertive protectors would explode"
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"[M]en react much more strongly than women when they begin to get into marital conflict and stay activated much longer. They may seem rational and calm on the outside, but inside they are going crazy in reaction to their wivesā criticisms."
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"In addition, he found that as the tension builds in couplesā fights, men are much more likely than women to shut down emotionally and become what he calls stonewallersāpeople who turn away from and completely ignore their partners in the face of criticism."
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"Women are more likely to bring up issues that lead to arguments and to be critical of their husbands. When he then begins to stonewall, she feels unheard and escalates the argument, leading to a common vicious cycle in which he shuts down more and she gets increasingly angry..."
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"Given that men have highly vulnerable exiles that they try to keep locked up at all costs, it makes sense that criticism from their wives would trigger the shame those exiles carry, which would account for menās extreme physiological reactions."
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"As weāve discussed, menās angry parts arenāt welcome in many marriages and, also, many men fear what they might do to their partner if they let rage take over. So they are left with few alternatives."
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"They are loathe to expose and donāt have words to describe the intense vulnerability they feel, and their customary protectors are taboo. Shutting down externally seems like the safest choice, while... internally their stifled angry protectors continue to roil beneath...."
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"Far more than men, women are socialized to take care of
their exiles through relationships. Therefore, when their exiles are upset, women want to change things in their marriages so that their distressed exiles get from their husbands the love and comfort those parts need...."
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"Hence women are more often the initiators of change-oriented discussions and are frustrated and critical when those discussions are aborted by their husbandsā stonewalling."
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"In addition, because of the collusion between womenās caretaker parts and menās entitled ones, real imbalances often exist in the lifestyles of each spouseāthe wife has more responsibility and fewer resourcesāthat fuel her rage and his reluctance to talk."
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"Many menās exiles are so well insulated from them that it often seems that they donāt need intimacy. The fallacy of that myth is exposed when, for example, their partner decides she has finally had enough and threatens seriously to abandon them."
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"At that point, many menās protective fortresses crack open, and their raw, needy exiles break through and take over. Iāve seen husbands who a day earlier had seemed aloof, totally in control and independent, transform into desperate, pleading little boys when facing abandonment"
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"Many of the incompatibilities between men and women come from differences in how they were trained to relate to those needy parts inside and outside. When it comes to achieving intimacy, both men and women are expected to reverse various rigid internal systems...."
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"1. ...How much have you exiled the softer, more vulnerable, or āfeminineā parts of you? ... Are you the one who doesnāt bring up issues and shuts down when they are brought up? What is conflict like for you? How much do you expect your partner to be nurturing and soft?"
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"2. ... Are you dominated by caretaking parts? How much access do you have to your assertivenessāto your ability to ask directly for what you need? How hard is it to feel okay when distance exists in your relationship? How much do you expect your partner to be strong...?"
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(i removed the gender qualifications b/c i think things are more complicated for millennials and younger for lots of reasons - i personally relate more strongly to the "woman" exercise, attachment is the real gender, etc.)
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new thread for part 4, probably will be the last one:
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choice quotes from richard schwartz's IFS relationship book "you are the one you've been waiting for," part 4:
"Multiplicity Versus the Myth of the Monolithic Personality"
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