I seldom articulate this explicitly but one of the cornerstones of my approach to peopling is "no scolding". In fact the more urgent and important it is that I get someone to change their mind/position on something, the more clinical I believe I have to be about not dissing them
Conversation
insults are for friends. I am ok joshing around and talking shit with u fuckers. politeness is for my enemies
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if I attack someone directly, it ends up hardening their defenses, they dig into their positions
so the choices I give myself are, either disengage/ignore, or if I'm going to engage, summon the most genuine curiosity I can, and get them to question themselves from the inside
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I have never seen a person scolded into changing their positions in a way that didn't lead to them either coming across as dead-inside or otherwise resentful
I don't want guilty/ashamed/miserable allies
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I talk about this because...
1. honestly, I am very good at it – if you've been following me for some time you may have even seen me do it with people, it's a slow burn but it's very effective
2. more people could/would benefit from learning to operate similarly to this
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I'll admit that this is negotiation from a position of power and abundance, which not everyone is privileged to have. this is a "do it if you can" thing. no pressure if you can't.
magnanimity, equanimity, etc – it's too much to ask of others. we can only ask it of ourselves
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there's a strange dynamic that's like
i will only face my enemy if I am willing to decide to lay down my arms and be truly curious to know him
if I wanna fight, I lose by default
if we can reach a common understanding, we win together
there are exceptions to this of course
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if you're not careful you can end up being genuinely curious about a narcissistic psychopath who strings you along for years while you end up unintentionally whitewashing/excusing them by association
this is very complicated and difficult and you can get caught up In Some Shit
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