Conversation

bosco
@selentelechia
I don't feel dumb today, though I lack all capacity for directed action in this moment (as a default state; I could act if I really had to) did a lot of reading and relaxing plotting to introduce friends to one another
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bosco
@selentelechia
at the time, I thought it was super lame, but the older I get the more I appreciate the way my grandmother took time to recognize and voice appreciation for her relative good fortune as I get older I find myself cultivating the habit too
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bosco
@selentelechia
running my hands under the potable water that gets piped right into my house warm bed, warm house, so many friends and relatives I'm so extraordinarily wealthy in this moment
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bosco
@selentelechia
I feel something rapidly untangling around what it might mean to love, particularly to love specific people, over decades or more (🤞!) some residual childhood defensiveness is dissolving, or getting integrated in a less narcissistic pattern
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bosco
@selentelechia
I can't quite articulate the old defensive thing maybe...a reflexive scarcity mindset or resource-competition in response to my desire to love people well it seems to be softening up after several years of relationship-building and material security
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bosco
@selentelechia
dunno there might be a version of whole- hearted loving that gets at all of the good stuff from the Giving Tree... with more healthy self-interest, and less pathological self-sacrifice 😛
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bosco
@selentelechia
so what if pregnancy changes me physically, forever I get *babies* out of the deal and did I really expect to freeze myself at 23, never feel parts of myself give out or break as I aged? I think I *did* and I'm surprised at how okay it feels to have been wrong
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bosco
@selentelechia
if it can be done then of course I want to be healthier and fitter, longer than the human default but in the meantime, eh, if I carry ten more pounds than my ideal and occasionally pee myself a bit when I sneeze, forever...I'll have *children*
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bosco
@selentelechia
even if I hadn't wanted children, I bet I would have figured some of this out somehow, eventually the mundane ravages of time are apparently an acceptable price to pay for certain kinds of meaning I'm so excited to see what 50 years of being with
@eigenrobot
is going to be like
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