definitely a big part of me stuck in fundamentally immature teenager mentality towards attraction
ofc this is common; many people are awkward around sexuality
but interesting to look at from "the basic *premise* of your approach to this area of life is unfounded"
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like for all that I Know Better
there's a very low level response process going on when I notice being attracted to someone that casually and unquestioningly starts all sorts of internal ops around "naturally they mustn't know"
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and that part of me is so confused about what to do with the idea of being openly and vulnerably sexual/romantic
idk maybe this is pretty standard hangups stuff
mostly noticing the surprising depth of the ingrained patterns involved (vs shallower types of misunderstanding)
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ooh and there is a symmetric side to this around how I *respond* to attraction (real or imagined or hypothetical) from others towards me
projection of the anxieties I would be having in their position, fear of rejecting, fear of... more nebulous stuff I'm not seeing clearly rn
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honestly tf does all this fear come from
there's another instance of the "deeply implicit assumption", that all of these things are *scary*
they could just... be awkward and inconvenient but NOT laced with terror right??
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the fear comes from ~attachment issues~ (it did for me anyway)
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there are four genders and they are secure attachment, anxious / preoccupied attachment, dismissive / avoidant attachment, and disorganized / fearful attachment
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hm a little hard to follow all the details esp with the varying terms but definitely identifying hard with both right quadrants
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on reflection tending more to fearful than on first reading and I think not just because I was just talking about the word "fear"
just that "dependent on others for self worth" scores a big point
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it's a spectrum and a whole mess for real