there's this weird meta structure where securely attached people just have good relationships, avoidant people refuse to prioritize intimacy, and disorganized people are both rare and have a lot of problems
so most writing about relationships is done by anxious attachers
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and since men for various reasons write less about relationships than women, most writing about relationships is done specifically by anxiously attached women
and anxiously attached (straight) women attract and are attracted to avoidantly attached (straight) men
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when i was a tiny teenage baby the cultural messages i absorbed about What Was Wrong With Men were complaints about avoidant men: afraid of commitment, pump-and-dumpers, never listen
so i thought all i had to do was not do that stuff and i'd be set
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did not work like that. as an anxious attaching guy the girls i attracted and was attracted to were *avoidant*; opposite dynamics
my first gf broke up with me and pretended it was b/c she wasn't attracted to me; months later she admitted it was b/c she felt tied down
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this was shocking to me at the time. i literally had not considered the possibility that she could be the one who was afraid of commitment. it was in none of my cultural messaging. the love songs didn't talk about it y'know 🤔
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there are, to a first approximation, roughly three noninteracting reality tunnels when it comes to (straight) relationships:
1. securely attached couples
2. anxious women and avoidant men
3. avoidant women and anxious men
and most relationship stuff is only about #2
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anxious attaching men in particular i think are reluctant to talk about their experiences because their problems seem embarrassing and shameful compared to what's in the discourse; because the discourse mostly represents anxious women they seem like "feminine" problems
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think he is near SF
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He is, or at least was just before Covid.
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i’m in the bay but i haven’t physically been in SF since the beginning of lockdown