when i was off twitter in december everything felt meaningless and pointless and flat. like i could not viscerally see a point to anything. no action i took seemed like it was going to affect anything that mattered. but i wasn’t at peace about this either. scared and frustrated
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i’ve been avoiding video calls for month because something about them feels “fake.” like i don’t want to keep tricking my system into believing that another person is in the same room as me when they’re not. i can’t actually touch or hug them. voice calls less have this problem
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someone used “untethered virtuality” to describe the lockdown experience the other day and there’s a lot to chew on there. unbroken staring at pixels on screens all day is not the normal activity of the human animal. none of this is real. i’m not actually talking to you rn
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zoom and netflix and twitter and whatever else have in some sense allowed us to partially plug into a crappy version of the matrix and it’s kinda better than nothing but i bet it’s driving everyone crazy in a million different ways
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i've been hesitant to talk about this for awhile. it's seemed like we're kinda pretending that things are more normal than they are and i didn't want to burst the bubble? appreciate the conversation i had about this with , helped me feel saner
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i've been playing around with the phrases "emotional anorexia" and "emotional scurvy" to describe what i was feeling in december
like i was starving myself of trace nutrients and the more i starved myself the less i wanted them
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the offer i made recently to RT requests for help etc. was not just for you guys, a lot of it was for me. i am starving for meaningful action right now and helping follows out is one of the more meaningful things i can do that i can see
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i've been wondering if sufficiently bad lockdown can convince deep unconscious parts of you that maybe other people don't really exist or the world doesn't really exist or things like that. sounds like some of the experiences y'all are reporting might be consistent with that
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It's making me face my demons more because of less social opportunities but it's honestly not that strange to me. The fact that I'm doing trauma stuff during the lockdown is slightly insane, but also I can't undo Pandora's box.
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Like everything you described is also my experience, but that's how I've experienced a lot of my life anyway. I'm just more aware of it and it's hell. Made me appreciate stuff like dissociation more.
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