attending part is key. I'm usually not focusing on myself, eg right now I'm just writing this. But when I do (eg see myself in a mirror, like washing my hands after restroom) I'm thrown into a weak metta-state. I've done ~500-1k hours of metta, i think paved neural path for that
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ah, says "being with myself" is exhausting. For me right now, it's more like I'm an eyeball watching my life happen, I'm not "doing" much. It's hard to imagine how it would even be exhausting. I don't know how to describe it better :/
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! maybe a Crux here
ok so, for me, being what I would describe as "with myself" rather than just Being is the thing I anticipate as exhausting
"minding myself" or "attending to myself" while I act = really really hard for some reason
twitter.com/nickcammarata/
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in an attempt to be clear while still being super unclear, I don't think I'm in a high-level meditation state. I tried to get there a few years ago, failed, but on the path it felt different. This is more simple, affectionate, less cerebral. Diff direction than like, LSD
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i spent a few minutes feeling and the closest thing I have is "simple and friendly"? Like, there's nothing yelling at me anymore. I can stably watch thoughts somewhat easily now (thank u concentration-meditation!!), cant remember any neg judgmental thoughts last couple months
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there's *definitely* judgment sometimes. Like "oh he
def doesn't like you" "that steak sucked" "you weren't that productive today" but it's more just like.. something I'm noticing? There' no bite to it. I just play with that like hmm ya.. why wasn't I productive today?
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oh yeah, also forgot to mention, I don't have much of an inner voice, did before. Got here through memory-editing, so it's a bit hard for me to remember before, which is why I forgot to bring it up. But I've always journaled a lot, so I have lots of stuff to compare to
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it's just feelings (non-verbal, except sometimes) all the time. Almost all my life is is watching those feelings and figuring out what to do for the next like 30 seconds. Feelings usually really warm towards whoever I'm talking to or myself. Not much neg judgment towards things
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okay leaving Twitter dot com to work for a while! I'll check later if anyone has questions feel free to reply or DM. Honestly I don't think this was very helpful, but maybe it'll help like one person like 500 hours into their metta practice or something? Would have helped me!
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my main message for anyone not on a serious psychological path already: you can be in a radically *radically* different mental place than where you started. It's never an accident. The people who get *really* happy try to. The ones who get to high-level meditation states try to
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side thought while working: one of the biggest diffs is crying. I cried literally zero times from 14yo-22yo. Now I cry about 5-10 times a day, for about 30 seconds at time, mostly for trivial things (eg someone tweets that they feel happy today). I bet I can outcry
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