There was an element of blame around the missed days (but seriously self, if you have a cold you shouldn't be singing) where I felt like beating myself up for it
Perhaps we've internalised the way other people treated us without compassion when we failed to meet expectations
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Blame wasn't actually the main thing for me though - and I think the main giveaway there was the way it took me multiple tries to discover something I really wanted to do but wasn't doing
I think accountability amplifies misalignment
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Accountability mechanisms to me often feel like tricking myself - one part of myself holding the others at gunpoint to get them in line with the part's goals
Like a bad manager setting targets for things you don't care about, expecting you to meet them
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That's what I mean as the difference "I want to do this" and "I want myself to do this" - in the latter, there are different parts of me pulling in different directions, which I am shouting over with words and self-talk but which are still me in feelings and value
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There are times when checklists and reminders make me want to cry, this hurts so bad
And I couldn't possibly contemplate Beeminder.
Without an internal alignment process, I'm /just hurting myself/ by trying to add accountability
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And I've realised through doing IFS style work earlier in the year that my internal motivations are actually extremely fluid. I embody different goals at different times /and that's ok/, through this oscillation I pull in all of these directions
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This was the culmination of that subagents exercise: it was handy that they colour-coded themselves tbh but Twilight did the categorising and she has good aesthetic sense
The names and characters help me recognise them, or summon specific ones to talk to
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And it wouldn't be right for "Godric" to set up accountability mechanisms while he was driving, to force the others into sacrificing the things they cared about in order to pursue his heroics
That would be coercion
If someone did that to their friends you'd say that was bad
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So I think I've only been able to make this progress by recognising that - a) I have multiple felt goals and they are all valid and valued, and b) I have to stop them /shouting over each other/
Which is where non-coercion comes in
No interrupting 💕
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On encountering thoughts of:
{forbidden, disallowed, desist, restrain, coerce, hold back, wrong, bad, hide, run}
Replace with thoughts of:
{permitted, encouraged, continue, expand, flow, lean in, right, good, show, stay}
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Anyway, easier said than done, a whole lot of reading and self-therapy and meditation and talking with others went into this process.
But I'm now at the point where I can feel that internal "nope", felt in the tiny voice of someone who's not driving, and take it into account
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aversions are like... more desperate? less calm, less centered