relevant childhood memory: kid at lunch had to repeat a joke 3 times before he could get the group attention to focus on it and accept it
me: FUCK this group and FUCK being the kid begging for attention.
Conversation
i hated them so much. why the fuck would you spend time with people who didn't even want to listen to you? why would you ever give others that much power over you?
this was the formation of my "be so effortlessly impressive that others just give you attention" personality
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i desperately wanted attention/respect/love/admiration and refused to ask for it.
this helped shaped the "impressive cool weirdo" me. i'm trying to figure out what gave the zeal to be repulsed by "actual weirdos".
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it feels very connected to gendered frames of weakness. the sense that no matter what I or others say, *actually* being weak is pathetic and horrible and I will be ridiculed for it.
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i still feel inside me a vast cold ocean of fury that refuses to give any pity/empathy/help to men who seem weak. and in turn, that's how I feel like I am to be ultimately judged.
and it's disgusting and horrible and i hate it
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I think it's that pit that helps me hate the fifth harry potter book. complaining about nobody understanding you? WEAKNESSS!!
being an *actual* socially awkward weirdo? WEAKNESSS!!!
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up until this weekend, it's always been the case that this burning senses of judgement for weakness was paired with a "FUCK YOU BASTARDS" energy that I had a lunch vowing never to beg for attention
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this weekend kicked me hard enough that I lost the "fuck you". i was just left with the sense that being weak meant dying and going "welp, guess I'm dead"
in concrete terms, this meant I was able to relate to the song Creep without ironic distance
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"i wanna be special
so fucking special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
i don't belong here"
at any other point in my life i would have GAGGED a the thought of directly experiencing any of those feelings, let alone singing along/
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/but whatever loops i'd been using to resist those feelings in order to not be repulsive had been broken, and i was just directly feeling being weak and repulsive and pathetic for maybe the first time ever and it fucking sucked so bad
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