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i don’t want to make this a whole thing but i actually believe that i am disgusting and it hurts to hear other people confirm that even as a joke
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i’ve been beyond scared out of my mind to approach women my entire life, it’s always felt like i had to do it 100% perfectly or i was scum of the earth and didn’t deserve to live, i’ve felt suicidal very rarely but it’s always been precipitated by feeling like i hurt a woman
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like - there was this thread the other day from a woman talking about how her experiences having sex with men were so bad she turned her dissociation into a sexual orientation and reading stuff like that legitimately makes me want to die
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i’ve deeply internalized from a pretty young age that men have hurt and continue to hurt women in so many ways and i don’t know what to do with the level of guilt and shame i feel about this, so far i’ve mostly just used it to destroy my sexuality
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I basically accept that:
1. I'm not one of those guys.
2. Women don't know I'm not one of those guys, and I should be aware of and sensitive to the ambient insecurity and not put them in positions where they need to worry that I might be.
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Dating girls who were really turned on by very aggressive, masculine sexuality also helped me get over this.
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it fucked me up worse :/
I'm sorry to hear that. Finding lovers we mesh with well and to whom we can disclose ourselves to is a great joy and blessing.
Authentic self disclosure also always carries a risk - between lovers, the risk that it may be so repugnant or unsexy that it kills the spark.
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We generally either take the risk or live lonely lives with parts of ourselves unrecognized by others.
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I think I'm not into aggressive anything?
I like playfulness, teasing. I'm not really turned on by aggressiveness, tho- things become less of an interactive sort of dance, and start to feel more like I'm escorting again. Which, I mean, that's fine- it's just not that exciting?
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